We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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