she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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