i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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