This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
