I need help removing her.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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