i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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