I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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