I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
