You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
