drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
