I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
