I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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