She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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