so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
