I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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