I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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