Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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