I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
