i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
