Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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