i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
