Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
