Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
