Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
