Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I need water and some morals
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