I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
