I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
it was like eating out sand paper
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
