I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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