So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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