Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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