You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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