i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize