i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
