my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
