not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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