my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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