I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
