My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
