Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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