My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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