Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
