When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
