i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
