don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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