You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
