did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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