hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
