Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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