My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
