I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
