fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
