First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
