my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
