i would punch a child for taco bell
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
