I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
