My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
not ubering you a puppy
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
