I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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