HIV tests are more positive than that guy
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
