you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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